This next period will be marked by good things.

Scorpio — You know that there are two dimensions of time, right? Of course you do you sneaker little serpent, you. If you bought a DeLorean would you drive it a lot or just from time to time? You gotta go to there. Get in where you fit in. Did you watch the OA? Learn those dance moves and get outchea. Boy, bye. Go 2D. Go 3D. Go as many D’s as you can.

Capricorn — You just haven’t been the same since the Vine went down baby. What are you even going to do now? Watch season 9 of Curb Your Enthusiasm and make Larry David memes or something? Nah that’s not an option at all. Maybe when those Kennedy Assassination files get released, you can make mad relevant GIF’s out of them. Oooh at least go see Hamilton now that it isn’t just for rich people, homie. No fuck all that, help some people out. The hurricanes are coming.

Sagittarius — You’re fire baby. You need to cool down. Quit sleeping with your phone under your pillow and sip a ginger tea while you think of them memes. Put some turmeric in and just chill. Quit opening Facebook, stop hitting the hashtags. Flush your laptop down the toilet and get yourself into some nature. Can you even name any native sedges? Study those sedges, dog.

Libra — You just need to commit. Get a pet. Get some companionship. Go for a snake. Yas queen, a snake with teeth for sure. Teach it how to bite people in the eye, but don’t let it bite you. Protect yourself cause times is tough. If you can tame that snake, you should get it a Youtube channel. Bank that pre-roll money. Bank it. Get your snake into college.

Cancer —  Keep it lit fam. Somehow you made it through the first part of the year undamaged, so keep it easy. Keep doing what you are doing, cause your knowledge game is strong. So woke. So unbelievable woke fam.  Your twitter bio is spot on and your profile pic is savage. You’re going to meet all your social goals. God I hope you have your hootsuite on, cause it’s going off. Keep that content coming Kemosabe. You are an internet god.

Pisces — Bring your migos. All them migos. This year is all about your squadron supreme. Listen to what what they say. Unless they tell you to keep watching those Daily Mail snap stories. Then disregard everything. Go solo. Get your work done and avoid those stories. That shit will rot your brain and teeth. You’re gonna need yo mind. And your teeth.

Leo — Ass fat, yea I know. You just got cash, blow some mo’. Blow some mo’, blow some mo’. It rainin hunnids, throw some mo’, throw some mo’, throw some mo’. Make a gold leaf busted bust of yourself, because you earned it. Make a grand entrance everywhere you go. Take a jet there cause you can have whatever you like. Take tonight and pop bubbly in the cuziz cause you’ll live forever. RIP AJP ?

Aries — Have you looked up in the sky lately boss? There are people crawling on the moon. A total solar eclipse was here. See what you see when you aren’t looking directly at that black hole sun. Do you ever get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears? Turnaround. Do you ever get nervous that the best of all the years have gone by?  Turnaround bright eyes. Don’t fall apart. Get your phone out of your face, get a telescope and peep a planet.

Aquarius — Get off your Tinder and try meeting people in a church basement. What does community mean to you? Future community is less swiping right or left and more eating ham sammiches together. Unless you don’t eat pork, and we do not recommend you do. Yeah fuck that, give up pork. Give up them chickens too. Move to the country and meet yourself a nice farm partner. Grow some kale and stay off them e-harmoneez.

Virgo —  Brah, you finna bust a T-Pain up in here. Woman, you strong. Seriously, where you get your confidence from? This year is hella mad wild for you. Both on the internet and IRL. It’s a wild time, but you are yolo’ing hard. You got those damn daniels, you put your dick out for harambe. Wha is next for you?! Only time is gonna tell you.

Taurus — You clairvoyant, conspiracy-theory loving genius. You were right about everything. Fuck old media. Fuck cities. Fuck farms. Fuck the police. Fuck oil and cars. Fuck the NFL. Fuck Mark Zuckerberg. Fucking fuck the FDA, The FCC, NASA, United Airlines, Fuck fluoride, Fuck your dentist, Fuck taco tuesday. Take a knee. Outdated systems are failing and you told us so.

Gemini —  Error 404. Good luck with all that.